myluckyheartstories

 

♪ Chapter 6

 

Present

 

Journal # 6 (July 24, 2005)

There was something wrong with my parents.

I tried asking Mom if she and Dad fought about something but she only said that there was nothing wrong. If ever there was, she would fix it. She gave me her gorgeous and sincere smile so I knew she meant it.

Mom would never lie to me, not intentionally.

But still I could not shake off that feeling that something was wrong aside from the fact that my memories seemed all jumbled up. So I did what I possibly can. I tried searching on the internet on news about our company or about them. They were not celebrities but the media still wanted to know everything and anything about them.

After days of unsuccessful search, I learned about the root of their problem.

The alleged involvement of Angeline Laizea Yllana with a man called Levi Ramirez.

 

-----

 

“Have you asked my sister about her return here in the Philippines?”

I gazed at the girl who was carried by some male students wearing jerseys. She’s wearing a loose white t-shirt with North Oswald’s blue logo on the front and a short blue skirt that was part of the uniform of the academy’s cheering squad.

She looked normal except for her clammy skin and dazed expression. Mukhang nawalan ito ng malay. Mabilis siyang dinaluhan ng mga nurse at pinaalis ang mga tumulong na madala siya dito except for that one boy. He looked a lot worse than the girl except he’s conscious. Boyfriend siguro.

Yumuko ako at pinagmasdan ang mga paa na nakasuot ng closed shoes at isinasayaw ko sa hangin dahil hindi abot ang sahig mula sa kinauupuan.

“Yes. One week na lang bago ang flight niya pero once na nandito na siya, may mga aasikasuhin pa raw po siya bago siya makapagbigay ng schedule para sa pagkikita namin.”

Dr. Camron Howard is currently signing some documents on his desk. Nakasuot siya ng spectacles na parang dinoble nito ang edad niya. But he’s actually just in his mid-thirties.

He looked at me swiftly bago ibinalik sa ginagawa ang atensyon.

Maliban sa mga salitang nabanggit ay iyon lamang ang napag usapan namin simula nang pumunta ako dito kalahating oras na ang nakararaan. I have no idea why I’ve decided to come here. Wala naman akong balak talaga na kausapin siya but I just found myself in his office.

Pinabayaan lang naman niya ako na umupo sa kanyang office at hindi na ako tinanong ng kung ano maliban sa tanong niya kanina. There’s a one-way glass wall between his office and the clinic at sa ngayon ay kita ko ang nangyayari sa kabila.

“Dr. Camron,” I said in the silence enveloping us.

“Yes?” he replied without taking his eyes off whatever he’s doing.

“What do you think it takes for you to trust a person? Will you base on the things you know about that particular person or you’ll depend on what your instinct is telling you?”

Tinitigan ko siya nang itinanong iyon. He keeps on signing and signing that I thought he would just ignore me but after several seconds, he finally looked me in the eyes.

“The answer to your question is quite complicated because it varies to a person’s perspective. Are you asking me in general or you want my personal take on that?”

Napaisip ako bago siya sinagot. “I want your personal answer on that.”

“I don’t trust easily, Ms. Alvarez. I guess I depend on the time I spent with that person for me to be able to fully trust him. Time is a great measure to know someone… quite intimately to put it lightly. And experiences with that person as well.”

It sounded like a normal response. Tumango ako. “So kapag kakakilala mo lang sa isang tao, you automatically wouldn’t trust him?”

Sumandal na siya sa kanyang office chair at humalukipkip, seriously contemplating about my question. “I would trust him on a level that a stranger deserve to be trusted. You know what they say about giving the benefit of the doubt? Magtitiwala ka sa isang tao based on standard moral compass a normal, sane and logical person has. Lahat naman ng tao ay mayroon nito, nagkakaiba nga lang sa lebel.”

Kumunot ang noo ko. I kind of get what he was saying ngunit may parte sa aking naguguluhan. Bigla siyang tumawa dahil siguro sa tanong na obvious sa mukha ko.

“Let’s just say that the person you love and know the most is the one you trust with your entirety, that’s a hundred percent trust. Pero sa isang kaibigan na kilala mo ngunit hindi gano’n masyado, would deserve a thirty percent of your trust. A close friend can have fifty to sixty percent of it. And a stranger whom you think is sane and has at least a moral compass would receive five percent of your trust.

Hindi ibig sabihin na hindi mo kilala ang tao ay hindi ka na magtitiwala sa kanya. But when I say person or people, I meant the ones who crossed paths with you, not entirely strangers.”

He smiled at me. It made him look much younger. Ah the irony of his specs and smile do with his face.

“For example, you don’t know me personally but you trust me on a level a person trusts someone with knowledge, like a teacher.”

Tila may nag click sa utak ko at naintindihan ang gusto niyang iparating. I slowly nodded my face.

“You sounded like Dr. Wilhelm.”

Pretty Dr. Wilhelm.

I heard a voice of a young girl utter those words. Pinilig ko ang ulo at inisip kailan at saan ko nga ba narinig iyon. I smiled to myself when I realized it could be a memory from the past. Of course.

He scratched his stubble as he laughed. “Believe me, mas malalim pa iyon magsalita kaysa sa akin. Kumbaga, nagkkwento lang ako, siya naman ay tumutula.”

I laughed at that. I still can’t remember Dr. Wilhelm and my sessions with her but somehow I feel like he’s right. Malalim na tao ang kanyang kapatid.

Trust, huh. It cemented my belief that I really have to know all of my memories from the past to know the people who I can truly trust will all of my secrets. I heaved a deep sigh.

Geff. Of course I trust him. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang nangyari pagkatapos kong maaksidente noon sa orphanage. Kung nag usap ba sila ng kanyang Daddy tungkol sa akin at sa mga sinabi ko sa kanya noon na hindi ko pinagkakatiwalaan ang taong iyon. He should know about my hatred toward him but he kept him being his relative, his father, a secret from me.

I know he has his reasons. Like I have my reasons why I cannot tell him my identity. I don’t even know the whys behind this particular secret.

But I do trust him. Completely. But I don’t trust the people who will do something about my secret once they discovered he knows about it too.

There’s a reason why the Yllanas hid this secret. It must be a serious one. My parents died protecting it.

Pumikit ako at huminga ng malalim.

I shouldn’t go there. Yet.

Matapos ang ilan pang minuto ay nagpaalam na ako kay Dr. Camron at nilisan ang clinic. Isang oras pa bago magsimula ang klase ngunit nagpasya ako na pumunta na sa aming classroom.

Inaasahan ko nang makikita silang dalawa doon ngunit napahinto pa rin ako at natulala. Geff was lazily seating on his chair while Gwyneth was animatedly talking to him. Paminsan minsan ay sasagot si Geff at ngingiti bilang reaksyon ngunit babalik din sa pakikinig.

May ilan pang estudyante na nasa loob na rin ngunit ang atensyon ko ay nasa kanilang dalawa lamang.

This. I should expect this. Sila ang unang naging magkaibigan. I only entered their bubble because of sadness and envy. What they have is a pure relationship.

Ah ito nanaman ako. I should stop this pity party everytime na nakikita ko silang magkasama.

Aalis na lang sana ako para makapag isip isip nang biglang may sumigaw sa hallway.

“Aya! I missed you! Saan ka pupunta?! Hindi dyaan ang pintuan ng classroom!”

Hinilot ko ang sintido nang narinig ang matinis na sigaw ni Al. She run towards my direction as if her life depended on it. Halos matawa pa ako nang nakita ang sobrang saya niyang mukha at parang iiyak na dahil sa kaligayahan.

Overreaction, Aaliyah!

Nalingunan ko ang pagtayo ni Geff at ang walang pasubaling paglapit sa kinaroroonan ko ngunit binigay ko ang atensyon sa kaibigan na ngayon ay pinanggigigilan ako ng yakap. I rolled my eyes playfully but I returned her hug.

“Masyado ka kasing gala, saan ka ba nanggaling at parang tinalo mo pa mga balikbayan?”

Kinurot niya ako sa tagiliran. Tinampal ko ang bewang niya at natawa na rin. Flirt din itong isang ito. Nasaan ba kasi si Kuya Nathan at nang magkabati na sila’t hindi ako mahirapan sa kanilang dalawa?

“Ang tagal dumating ni Grace kaya ikaw na lang muna human pillow ko.”

“Si Kuya Nathan nasa classroom nila ngayon, tawagan ko na ba para may additional human pillow ka?”

Habang sinasabi ko iyon ay huminto si Geff sa likod lamang ni Al, silently waiting for his turn, sa pakikipag usap ba o sa pagyakap ay hindi ko alam. I almost laughed when he pursed his lips and nervously tried to understand my mood.

He looked so comical standing behind Al na parang nakapila talaga.

Al groaned and squeezed me more. “Kakainis ka Aya, Leche, porke’t nandito Geff mo lakas na ng loob mong idispatsya ako sa kapatid mo.”

Mukhang alam din niya na nasa likod na niya si Geff kaya nilingon niya ito. “Oh, ayan na ‘yung kanina mo pa hinihintay. ‘Wag kayo masyadong paka cheesy dyan a! May audience kayo!”

“We’ll do it privately, Aaliyah. You don’t have to be worried.”

Naeeskandalo siyang tiningnan ni Al. Natatawa na rin si Geff dahil doon ngunit bumabalik pa rin sa akin ang tingin, still checking for any signs of my mood about him. Nakaarko lamang ang kilay ko habang pinagmamasdan ang palitan nila ng salita.

“My gosh nasalinan na ako ng dugong shrek galing kay Grace! Ew ka Geff!”

Sa huli ay umiling na lang si Al at hinampas sa ulo si Geff. Humalakhak siya sa ginawa ng bestfriend ko. Nang bumaling sa akin ay unti-unting nawala ang ngiti niya.

I kept my face expressionless. Mas lumapit pa siya sa akin ngunit hindi tulad kanina ay medyo kampante na siya sa gagawin.

“May I?” tanong niya sa malambing na boses, nakalahad ang kamay niya sa harap ko.

Kumibot ang gilid ng labi ko. Ngunit sa huli ay inabot din iyon.

He sighed in relief and he gripped my hand tightly, scared I would change my mind. Mabilis lamang iyon at pinagsalikop na niya ang aming mga kamay at marahan akong iginiya para maglakad.

Sa totoo lang ay wala na sa akin ang nangyari. I know he has his reasons. Sinabi ko sa sarili ko na pinagkakatiwalaan ko siya ngunit bakit ang bilis kong pag isipan siya ng hindi maganda?

I was wrong thinking bad about him, but I wouldn’t apologize for feeling what I felt that day.

But I appreciate him coming to me. Pinagmasdan ko ang mga kamay namin.

I should be like that as well. I shouldn’t run like a coward.

“I’m sorry bigla akong umalis. Sumama lang ang loob ko na… hindi ka nagsabi sa akin kung anong nangyari sa’yo,” nag aalangan ko siyang tiningnan. He’s looking at our hands as well while listening.

Ngayon ko tuluyang naramdaman ang kahihiyan. I really acted childishly!

“I was worried… and pissed,” pag amin ko.

He smiled slightly and nodded. “I know. ‘Wag mo isipin na may kasalanan ka. I was the reason why it happened.”

Tumigil kami sa paglalakad at umupo sa isang bench sa lillim ng isang puno. Sa harap namin ay ang malawak na field. Dahil maaga pa ay wala pa masyadong estudyante doon maliban sa mga nakaugalian nang magpractice doon ng kanilng sport sa ganitong oras.

“Nagkagulo ang mga bata na hawak ni Gwyneth kaya tinawagan niya ako. Alam niya na ikaw ang kasama ko at nandoon din tayo sa orphanage. Carly was looking for me too. Kaya kinailangan ko talagang pumunta doon.”

Tumango ako. Kahit na gustuhin dahil sa kahihiyan ay hindi ko matanggal ang tingin kay Geff na diretso rin akong pinagmamasdan. His grip on my hands is still firm yet gentle.

“It was total chaos. May isang bata na biglaan ding inatake ng kanyang asthma so we had to call for an ambulance and the parents. Gwyneth asked for my phone and used it to call them. Sinabihan ko siya na pagkatapos ay ibalik din sa akin agad para matawagan kita o kahit siya ang magsabi sa’yo kung gagamitin niya pa rin iyon.”

“I didn’t receive anything.”

“Yeah. Nang nakuha ko ang phone ko ay sinabi niyang hindi ka niya natawagan so I tried calling you then.”

He squeezed my hand, getting my attention. “I’m sorry.”

Tumango ako. He looked miserable na matapos sabihin iyon nang nakatitig sa akin ay yumuko rin siya para pagmasdan naman ang mga kamay namin. He renewed his hold and sighed heavily.

“I can’t promise not to shut you out again when I’m hurt, but… I promise I’ll try my best to understand the situation first before acting out,” sabi ko matapos ang mahabang katahimikan. He seemed contented though just holding and playing with my hand.

“I can live with that,” he replied.

“Live with what?”

“You acting out.”

Kumunot ang noo ko. He smiled then. My favorite smile.

Nag angat siya ng tingin sa akin. “I can live with you acting out. Kahit ilang beses pa. It means you still care for me. It means you still have feelings for me. Otherwise, your indifference would forever bother me. Then it would kill me.”

“OA ka, Mendez,” kunot noo kong sabi. So, gusto niya laging gano’n? Maiinis ako sa kanya, tapos siya ang mature na mag aayos ng away namin?

“That’s toxic, you know,” dagdag ko.

“No, it’s not. Sa bawat hindi pagkakaunawaan ay may matututunan tayo. I don’t mind the simple misunderstandings, it’s part of every relationship. Your anger is there because the love is there. Ang mahalaga, hindi mo ako iiwan. I won’t leave you and you know that already.”

I stared blankly at him na siya namang kinunutan niya ng noo. “You know that, right?” ulit niya.

I don’t know that. Paano kapag nalaman mo na hindi si Angel ang nakasama mo noon? What if you discovered the lies I told you? Even now?

Sa sumunod na Sabado ay nagkita ulit kami ni Geff sa orphanage. Hatid sundo niya si Carly para sa mga activity doon ng mga bata. We spend our time just talking in the garden, talking about simple things, not touching those topics about Angel and the kidnapping.

Sa hapon naman ay kela Sister Mary ako pumupunta. I missed hanging out with them. Kinamusta ko lang sila tungkol sa mga bagay na pinaglalaanan nila ng panahon. As usual, wala ulit doon si Sister Malou dahil may pinuntahan daw ulit sa may Bataan.

Isang araw na pumunta ako sa orphanage nang weekend ay nasabi sa akin ng front desk na wala sila Sister dahil may inasikaso. Pero pwede naman daw akong manatili sa kanilang office kahit pa sa office ni Sister Malou. May snacks daw siyang iniwan sa kanyang ref para sa akin.

I giggled like a kid after hearing that at mabilis na hinila si Geff matapos iwan si Carly sa social hall.

“Saan tayo pupunta? You look so happy.”

Nilingon ko si Geff na mukhang nahawaan ng good mood ko.

“May snacks daw kasi na iniwan si Sister Malou sa office niya. At pwede tayong mag stay doon!”

“Are you sure it’s okay? Office niya ‘yon.”

Ngumuso ako. “Sinabi ng front desk na pwede raw. Bilin daw ni Sister na sabihin sa akin iyon pagdating ko.”

He laughed when he saw my expression. “Fine. Fine. I’ll tag along.”

May bumundol na kaba sa puso ko nang may narealize. Iyong painting… sketch, na nasa office ni Sister Malou, nandoon pa kaya ‘yon? Nilingon ko si Geff na ngayon ay hinihintay akong buksan ang office.

I’m sure he’ll recognize it. It was my face!

Mabilis kong binuksan ang pintuan bago pa ako pigilan ng mga naiisip. Pagkapasok ay dumiretso ako sa main door ng office ni Sister Malou at dahan dahan iyong binuksan. I opened the lights then I stopped breathing for a second.

It was still there. Hanging on the wall just in front of me.

Geff silently walked behind me… then beside me. Nagtataka siguro bakit ako biglang huminto at natahimik. Tiningnan niya kung ano ang kumuha sa atensyon ko kaya lalo akong hindi nakakilos.

Nilipat ko ang atensyon sa kanya. His expression is so closed off kaya ang hirap basahin kung ano ang nasa isip niya. But he was looking at the painting intently.

“Huh. So it was here all along.” He smiled but there was something there… “Ang akala ko ay naitapon o naiwala na lang.”

“Ang… painting?”

Nilingon niya ako at dahan dahang tumango. “It was only a sketch.”

I was really curious kaya naging tuloy tuloy ang pagtatanong ko.

“Alam mo ang tungkol sa sketch?”

His eyes darted on me at para bang nagulat siya. Of what I don’t know. He looked away for a second before his expression changed into somewhat happy and determined. Marahan niya akong hinila papalapit sa sketch na tinutukoy.

He pointed something on it.

“See that?”

Hindi ko masyadong makita kaya naman mas nilapit ko ang mukha sa itinuturo niya. Bandang lower right iyon ng sketch.

“M?”

There were some complicated strokes sa pirma kaya ang naintindihan ko lang ay ang letter M.

“It’s my signature,” he finally said in the silence.

Nanlalaki ang mata ko nang tiningnan siya. He raised his eyebrows and he smiled too, like he’s proud he caught me off guard.

“Y-You… made this? As in ikaw?”

“You sound so surprised. I have skills too, you know.”

He’s making fun of me. “Hindi ‘yon ang ibig kong sabihin! I mean, hindi lang ako makapaniwala na… ikaw ang gumawa nyan! Matagal ko na kasing nakita ‘to sa office ni Sister Malou at sobra akong namangha sa pagkakagawa. It was…” I literally can’t find the right words.

“Well, thank you,” he said then he chuckled. He’s really enjoying this.

Muli kong tinitigan ang sketch at nagdalawang isip na. I thought it was me… pero mukhang si Gwyneth ito. Why on earth would he draw me kung hindi naman niya ako kilala? Of course this is Angel Liberty!

“Si… Angel ba ‘yang nasa sketch?” Why can’t I shut my mouth? Alam ko naman na ang sagot pero nagtatanong pa rin ako.

“Si Gwyneth?” tanong ko ulit nang ‘di siya sumagot sa una.

He’s still staring at the sketch when he spoke. “I remember… I draw this when we were at school. That day was special to me. She was sleeping, at nang nagising ay tinawag niya ang pangalan ko. She started crying for some reason, ngunit ang naging sagot lang niya sa akin ay ang pangalan ko. But then I told her something, told her I made a sketch for her. She cried again, but she was smiling too.”

He’s looking at my face while saying that and I can’t do nothing but just be mesmerized by his eyes and his memories with her. It was beautiful, so much it hurts.

Yumuko ako. Hindi ko alam kung ano ba ang nasa mukha ko ngayon. Kahit ako ay naguguluhan sa nararamdaman.

“That’s a happy memory,” ang tangi ko na lamang nasambit.

I heard his sigh. “Yes, it was.”

Kapag nasa orphanage ay tumutulong kami ni Geff sa mga chores doon but I always make sure not to go where Gwyneth is. Hindi ko alam paano ang magiging approach ko sa kanya. I wasn’t mad. I don’t even have the right to be mad at her. There’s no reason to be. Kahit na parang demonyo si Grace sa utak ko na nagkkwento ng napapadalas niyang pagkakita sa dalawa tuwing umaga sa school.

Sa totoo lang ay hindi ko na alam paano siya patutunguhan. It would be awkward to pretend like nothing happened because clearly something did.

Kaya naman halos lagutan na ako nang hininga nang si Sister Mary ang biglaang nag utos sa akin na samahan si Gwyneth sa social hall para sa kanilang painting activity. Pinandilatan ko si Sister Suzy na nasa likod ni Sister Mary pero hindi niya nagets ang gusto kong sabihin at pinagtawanan lang ako.

Nang napadpad na sa social hall dala ang mga painting materials ay ginawa ko agad ang sarili na busy para hindi na magkaroon ng pagkakataon makakausap o kausapin ng kahit sino. Gwyneth was with someone, I think she’s also a volunteer here, kaya naman mas naging ayos sa akin. The other girl seemed not interested with my existence kaya hindi naman niya ako kinausap.

Naglapag ako ng mga canvass sa mga easel na nasa right side ng hall dahil left side ang focus ng dalawa. Pagkatapos ay iba ibang kulay ng oil paints naman ang nilagay ko sa bawat pwesto. There were small buckets of water per chair kaya kaunting prep na lang ang ginawa.

Si Gwyneth ang nag facilitate ng activity habang ako at iyong isang volunteer ang nagbantay sa mga bata. Gwyneth is in front of the kids while painting too.

Inabala ko ang sarili sa pagbabantay sa mga bata. They all look like they are having fun kaya kampante ako na hindi naman magkakagulo. Nang napagod sa paglalakad ay nagpasya ako na umupo sa gilid na kita ko kabuuan ng hall.

Nahagip ng mata ko si Gwyneth na seryoso pa rin sa pagpipinta. Seeing her so engrossed with what she’s doing triggered a memory in my mind.

Yes. That’s right.

Angel Liberty likes painting.

Kaya hindi na kataka-taka na hanggang ngayon ay mahal niya pa rin ang pagpipinta.

Right now I am dying of curiosity. Ano kaya ang pinipinta niya? What was her subject? Wait, iyon nga ba ang tawag sa kung ano ang pinipinta nila?

Dahil sa mga naiisip ay tumayo na lamang ako at nagpatuloy sa pagbabantay sa mga bata. Mabilis lumipad ang tingin ko sa pwesto ni Gwyneth nang nagpaalam na lalabas lang siya sandali.

Sinilip ko ang isa niyang kasama at nakitang busy ito sa kanyang cellphone. Kaya naman pagkalabas ni Neth ay dahan dahan akong naglakad papunta sa harap. Sinisilip silip ko ang gawa ng mga bata para hindi masyadong obvious ang gagawin.

Tiningnan ko ulit ang isang babae at ngayo’y may kausap namang isang bata. I used that opportunity para maglakad sa pwesto ni Gwyneth at silipin ang kanyang gawa.

Napanganga ako at ilang segundong natulala.

It is unfinished yet it looks like it is already done.

Ang kalahati ay may kulay habang ang kalahati ay wala. Ngunit parehas na kapansin-pansin ang detalye. The colors on the left side looks so elegant and vibrant while the right side looks so mysterious, with black and gray as the dominant colors.

Sa mga kulay at paraan ng pagkakagawa ang una kong napansin kaya naman huli na nang napagmasdan ang kabuuan.

I sighed deeply as the painting jagged a memory.

It was... the Yllana’s family crest.

It was our family’s symbol.

“Jane?”

Halos mabuwal ako sa kinatatayuan nang narinig iyon. Pagkalingon ay nakita kong nasa likod ko na si Gwyneth at nagtatakang pinagmamasdan ako.

Uminit ang pisngi ko nang naalala ang dahilan kung bakit ako naroon.

“Uhh… ang ganda ng painting mo,” ang tanging nasambit ko na lamang.

Gulat siyang napatingin sa akin, hindi inaasahan iyon sa bibig ko. “T-Thanks. Gusto mo rin ba magpinta?”

Umiling ako at nagpaaalam na lang na babalik na sa pwesto gamit lamang ang kamay. I feel like I looked like a retard signing that.

I was in a daze after that, palaging lumilipad ang isip at inaalala ang mga panahon na nakita ko ang simbolong iyon. I wrote about it on my journal, took notes of how it looked like. I even saw it on the notes inside the box that man with a scar gave me, even tried to draw it based on my dreams.

But that painting, Gwyneth painted it so perfectly as if I can touch it with my bare hands.

Does she already remember what happened in the past?