myluckyheartstories

♪ Chapter 49: Secrets

Journal # 4

July 18, 2005, 4:41 AM

Something is wrong. Something is terribly wrong. My parents were agitated when they thought I wasn’t paying attention but when I was around, they looked at me with... awe. I really didn’t understand the commotion. All the maids outside were all moving suspiciously.

I couldn’t help myself but to feel somewhat terrified.

Journal # 7

July 30, 2005, 9:17 AM

My father asked me if I like to stay in his office again. I went there yesterday without his permission but he asked me earlier if I want to. I said yes. I was expecting anger but his face and expression were otherwise. I smiled and said, “Thank you.”

I want to know what happened in France when the Valois and Bourbon Dynasties were created.

Journal # 12

October 20, 2005, 4:36 PM

I was done reading the French History. My father entered his office by that time and I told him the good news. He smiled at me, I smiled in return and I poke his dimple on the left side of his lips. Mommy said it was the reason why she fell in love with him.

After I told Daddy about my learning, I told him I want to learn the French language. I thought he would let me because his smile never faltered but no. I was very disappointed. “Don’t be sad my Baby Amy. What I want you to do is to learn our language first, okay?”

I said okay. But still, I feel sad.

Journal # 20

December 7, 2005, 7:27 PM

We went to a Hospital today. No, I think it was just a small clinic. Mommy and Daddy told me they want me to meet someone. It turned out that the person they want me to meet was a psychologist. Her name is Wilhelm Howard and she’s very pretty. But my Mom is way, way prettier than her. Ms. Howard gave me a series of test. I asked her, “What for?” She answered that she wanted to know me better. I was very skeptical because she was no more than a stranger. And I don’t simply trust strangers because I never know how their thinking patterns are, no way to predict their thoughts and behavior. I read something about that this morning after reading the French History. The title of the book was “Psychology 101” Mommy told me she would give me tons of cookies when I passed the exams. I acquiesced eagerly. There is no better than the cookies made by Angeline Pavia Yllana.

I am so very glad I passed the exams!

Journal # 22

December 15, 2005, 7:53 AM

Sinusubukan ko magsulat Filipino. Maayos naman ako. I really have to learn this language because this is really challenging. It keeps my mind running. I know I’m not that good; it’s very different with the English language.

Regardless, mahal ko ang wikang Filipino.

Journal # 23

December 21, 2005, 5:57 PM

I dashed out of my room to the main gate of our mansion. Hinabol ako ni Yaya Celia, mabuti na lang at mabilis akong tumakbo. Kahit sila Mom at Dad ay hinabol ako kasama siya. Naka pink pajama ako at isang blue t-shirt at nakapaa lang. I think I stepped on something sharp but I badly want to see my twin and brother. Tumalon ako at pinulupot ang sarili kay Kuya Seraph. He laughed and kissed my cheeks. I extended my hand and waited for my twin to hold it. I squeezed hers, she squeezed mine back. Galing sila sa isang five days field trip. Gusto kong malaman kung anong nangyari sa kanila. But I also want to tell them everything I learned about France and the Filipino language.

Journal # 24

December 22, 2005, 3:23 AM

Mommy said she was angry with me. At first I had no idea why but then she pointed out that her heart almost stopped beating when she saw the cuts in the soles of my feet brought by my running yesterday. I said I was sorry but Mommy said no I wasn’t. I don’t know what to do. I’m scared. I feel so alone.

Journal # 25

December 23, 2005, 10:52 PM

Galit pa rin si Mommy sa akin. Hindi niya ako pinapansin. But I saw her laughing with Kuya and Liberty but she wasn’t talking to me. I feel so alone. I feel so cold. So I decided to stay at my room. Nagdala si Yaya Celia ng breakfast sa room ko. Lunch... and dinner as well. I never felt so alone. Biglang sumakit ang dibdib ko. Bigla akong nahirapan huminga. I thought I was going to die. But then something fell on my hands. It came from my face. Hinawakan ko ang mukha ko at naramdamang basa iyon. What was happening? I was like that the whole night. I heard something, a terrible sound. Then I realized it was coming from my own lips. I am alone. I am cold...

Journal # 1

August 20, 2006, 6:03 PM

I went to my collection of books and got my copy of Romeo and Juliet. Masama ang pakiramdam ko pero nagbasa pa rin ako. Nasa school sila Kuya at Liberty, sila Mom at Dad naman ay nasa trabaho. I was alone. After reading almost five pages of the book, Mom suddenly emerged from the door. She was looking at me with terrified eyes. I didn’t know why but I didn’t ask her either. She cupped my face and I saw her eyes glimmer with tears. I didn’t pry, didn’t ask inappropriate questions. Then she hugged me and said “I’m sorry,” over and over again. She rocked me like I was a baby cradled in her arms. She asked me to tell her about all the things I’ve read about France. I told her I never read such books but I do remember things about France because Daddy speaks about them almost every day. She told me that I have read it at Daddy’s study but I told her I’ve never been there. She cried harder.

Journal # 2

September 24, 2006, 8:30 AM

After breakfast, Kuya Seraph asked me what I did for the past few days. I told him almost everything — me and my books. I’d read and read and read. “Nothing special,” I told him. Not long after that, Liberty joined us and we talked the whole day. Yaya Celia prepared us sandwiches, cookies and juice and we eat all of them at the garden. It was like a picnic in a very tranquil park. I wasn’t allowed to go out. That fact didn’t make my life suffocating though because I don’t want to go outside. Liberty told us about her classmates. I wonder what it’s like to go to school five times a week and do academic stuffs with them. She told me about this very annoying girl who keeps on making her life miserable. Kuya Seraph shared the same sentiment and told us that no way that girl would be her ideal girlfriend. Liberty and I teased him about her.

The time went by fast. All I knew was that I made my way to my room but even before I reached my bedroom door, I went to Kuya’s room. When he opened it, I whispered to him my request. Then he smiled at me, aghast.

Journal # 3

September 25, 2006, 5:15 AM

The plan was very well constructed. I took a bath this morning then used the hair blower once done so there would be no evidence I was awake when Mommy and Daddy go to my bedroom to kiss me goodbye. The plan went smoothly. Liberty was very ecstatic when I and Kuya Seraph told her about our plan yesterday. It was because they would be having an exam this day and she told me I am a genius so she would have a higher chance of passing.

No one noticed anything when I entered our family car. Even our driver just said his usual “Good morning!” but nothing else. The guards behind us wore the same indifferent expressions but I knew they are vigilant and sharp as eagles yet they didn’t even throw me a second glance and they seemed to be paying much attention on their surroundings than me.

Liberty’s school was nothing I’ve ever imagined and expected. It was like a picture-perfect medieval-ish imagination came to life. The people around me were wonderful and colorful and lively. Children my age were running, laughing, and talking and talking nonstop. It was so surreal. I hoped the experience would never end, but afternoon came and the class Liberty belonged in came to a halt and the bell already rang and our family guards were already waiting for me at the school’s gate.

I wished I have more time...

Journal # 4

October 1, 2006, 6:00 AM

I became so very busy after my last entry because Mommy decided to get me homeschooled. Well... actually it was my idea. I wasn’t ready yet to let go of the feeling of being free from the walls surrounding the mansion but every time I see my parents looking after me, I couldn’t help but feel somewhat guilty. They had no idea about my little adventure last Monday and knowing that I am — and still am — lying to them made my stomach feel so queasy with anxiety. Although the idea of going outside to unfamiliar territory with no one but strangers around me is still not that appealing to me, I know Liberty’s school is different. It’s because she always have stories about it and the people she met there so I had an idea on what to expect.

-------------------

December 25, 2007

Dear Estelle,

Hi! I don’t know how to start a conversation with you, not to mention that even I, knew that you wouldn’t talk to me so I figured I’ll always do the story telling. Ang sabi ni Teacher Wilhelm, mas maganda raw na may kaibigan ako but I told her I don’t want to have friends. I just want my twin and my brother. She kept on telling me that I should learn how to communicate with someone using my voice. Pero ayokong magsalita. Kapag kasi ginagawa ko iyon, lumalakas ang tibok ang puso ko. Natatakot ako. Naaalala ko kasi ang lugar na iyon. Madilim. Nakataling kamay at paa. Isang lalaking may takip ang mukha. Sabi niya, sasaktan daw niya ako kapag nagsalita ako. Umiyak ako. Umiyak... umiyak... umiyak. Pero natawa lang siya. I never found the whole situation funny. I considered it my nightmare. At simula noong araw na iyon. Tumigil na ako sa pagsasalita. Because when I keep my thoughts to myself, I feel safe, much safer.

But you Estelle, is an exception. You are my little secret.

January 1, 2008

Estelle,

Natatakot ako. Masyadong maingay. Kahit sa malayo, dinig na dinig ko ang putukan. Baril. Iyon daw ang tawag sa kulay itim na nakakasakit. Ang sabi ni Daddy, he will keep me safe. Pero bakit may naririnig akong putukan? Pinilit ako nila Mommy at Daddy kanina na pumunta sa garden. Naroon daw ang buong pamilya. Sabi ni Mommy, nagbake daw siya ng chocolate cookies. Sumama ako sa kanila, Estelle, kahit na naiiyak ako. Nakita ko ang mga maid namin na nag-aayos ng mga plates. May mahabang mesa, kasya siguro kaming lahat doon. Lumapit ako sa bowl ng mga cookies. Pero ‘pag kakuha ko nito ay biglang may pumutok. Nagsisigaw ako. Hanggang sa hindi ko namalayan na nasa kwarto na ako. Tumakbo pala ako. Kumatok sila Daddy at Kuya sa pinto ng kwarto ko. Sumisigaw sila sa kabila. Hindi ko sila pinansin. I’m scared Estelle. Totally scared.

I wish you’re here with me.

January 28, 2008

Hi Estelle!

I missed you so much! I’m sorry it took me so long to keep in touch with you. Okay na ako ngayon. Laging bumibisita si Teacher Wilhelm dito sa bahay. One afternoon, she taught me how to knit but I always ended up pricking my fingers with needles. Pinahinto ako ni Teacher Wilhelm but I ignored her and continue doing the task. Pero nagulat ako nang dumating si Mommy sa kwarto ko. Siya na mismo ang nagpahinto sa akin. I stopped. Then she put something on my fingers then a band aid. Tapos bigla siyang tumingin sa akin. Hinimas niya ang buhok ko, tucked the strands behind my ears. Then she cried. She cried and she hugged me.

That’s when I promised myself never to knit again. Ayaw ko nang umiyak ulit si Mommy

I slowly put the old pieces of papers with elegant script in the box that guy gave me. Marami pa iyon ngunit hindi ko na tinapos pang basahin. I’ve read enough. The words I’ve read keep on flashing in my mind like some movie in rewind. Umiling ako. Ako ba talaga ang nagsulat ng mga ‘to?

Bumagsak ang mga mata ko sa kamay kong nasa ibabaw ng box. They are both trembling.

Yesterday was supposed to be a normal day to me. Different but normal. Excited akong makita ang dalawang kuya ko na maglaro at ienjoy ang buong tournament. Ngunit hindi ko inaasahan na magtatapos iyon sa gano’n.

When I realized who the man in front of me is, shock and dread gripped me like a thick cord around my neck. But most of all, curiousity. Isa siya sa mga taong kumuha sa akin at nagdala sa akin sa abandunadong building na iyon. God, he even locked me inside a freaking cabinet!

But he never hurt me.

Pinagmasdan ko ang malaking scar sa kaliwang pisngi niya. The distorted patch of scar starts from the corner of his left eye down to the side of his lips. Bumalik ang tingin ko sa mga mata niya.

I should be terrified, right? I should probably scream bloody murder but no, I was rooted to the ground.

“Hindi mo na dapat ako sinundan,” ulit niya na para bang hindi ko siya narinig kanina.

“But you wanted me to, right?” I said after a beat of silence. “Hindi ka magpapakita sa akin doon kung ayaw mong makita kita. At kapag nangyari iyon, alam kong alam mong susundan kita. So you’re statement is useless unless you want to seem like a cornered criminal which is absurd really,” I babbled. “And you won’t do it again,” I whispered.

“What is?” he asked in a language he seemed accustomed to.

Right now he looked like someone who didn’t bother washing up for weeks. Marumi ang suot niyang damit at magulo ang buhok. His shoes also looked like it wanted to retire already.

But his perfect English accent tells me something.

“Kidnap me.”

“Who said I kidnapped you?” he asked in return.

“You were with a goon of the person who wanted to hurt me and my family!”

“Doesn’t prove your accusation.”

I gaped at him. From the very start of this conversation, I knew he’s watching my every move. I saw those kinds of eyes with the bodyguards around me. His eyes miss nothing but the lopsided grin he’s sporting now seemed otherwise, like he wants you to see him as harmless.

Which is not the case.

Binalik ko ang isip ko sa naging palitan namin ng salita and somehow I realized what he told me indirectly.

He seemed to realize it to. I knew because of the sudden glint in his eyes when they met mine.

Instead of voicing it out, I asked him a different question. “Why are you here?”

He didn’t answer immediately. Maybe thinking if he should dance around the truth or the hell with it and go be honest with me.

“All three of you are here,” he finally said after seconds of silence. “At gusto kong malaman kung ayos lang kayo, you know... with all the things happening around.”

“And why would you do that? Make sure that we’re okay?” I don’t have to ask who the three he’s talking about are. Besides, he was the one who told me about some crazy guy who’s into destroying the Yllana family out of vengeance.

Instead of answering, he walked toward me which made me took a step back. Just because we’re exchanging sentences now doesn’t me I’m going to be comfortable with just a couple of inches between us. No, not going to happen.

Huminga siya ng malalim dahil doon at imbis na muling lumapit ay dinala niya ang kamay niya sa harapan ko. That’s when I realized he was holding something, a box made of wood. Some beautiful swirls and curls were carved around it and a weird looking lock at the middle of it. I look up at him with questions in my eyes.

“This is yours. Look out for it for years and decided it’s time to give it back to you. The lock’s open for an unknown reason, key’s missing, thought it’s with you,” he continuously said without hesitation.

“How did you—”

“I just know things. For the how, you wouldn’t want to know.”

Then he smiled. Literally smiled. Like we’re some kind of friends who met after several years and it somehow made me less jumpy.

And boy, the guy has a beautiful smile. Kung wala lang ang malaking scar niya at kung naisipan niyang maligo at maglinis ng sarili ay alam kong magiging lapitin ito ng mga babae. He’s most likely in his late twenties.

Tinanggap ko ang box na inilahad niya at may kung anong kumalabit sa puso ko nang mas natingnan ko iyon ng mabuti. The familiarity of its feel in my hands made me feel like I’m the past Miracle. Not like I’m not her but like I feel that I am starting to be me again. No lies. Just plain me.

Maraming tanong ang nabuo sa dulo ng dila ko ngunit kahit isa ay hindi ko maisatinig. I just blurted out the one I think he deserves to hear.

“Thank you.”

Muli niyang nilagay ang cap sa ulo niya at naglakad paalis. Ngunit hindi pa siya nakakalayo ay muli niya akong binalikan at tinapik ang pisngi ko.

“Be safe,” he said lightly before turning on his heels and walk in the other direction.

Umihip ang malamig na simoy ng hangin at pumikit ako habang dinadama ng mga daliri ko ang carvings sa box na iyon. Buong araw ay wala kaming inatupag kundi ang practice para sa magiging concert sa darating na Sabado. Abala kaming lahat para sa paghahanda doon. Si Darren ang nagslibing head namin sa practices dahil si Amirah ay naging busy sa preparations sa Auditorium kasama ang ilan pang officers ng club.

Nang sumapit ang lunch ay nagpaalam lang ako sa kanila at dumiretso dito sa rooftop ng East building.

Isinandal ko ang ulo ko sa kinasasandalan at hinayaan ang utak kong muling isipin lahat ng mga nabasa kani-kanina lang.

Tumunog ang pintuan hudyat na may pumasok kaya mabilis ko iyong binalingan. Napatigil ako sa paghinga nang nakitang si Geff iyon.

“Thought you’d be here. Buti at ito ang una kong pinuntahan,” he said while walking straight to me.

Niyakap ko ang box sa dibdib ko na para bang lifeline ko iyon habang pinagmamasdan siya. He looked... he looked...

“Hindi ka kumain?” pagtatanong pa niya nang huminto siya sa harapan ko. I craned my head upward to see his face.

Umiling ako. “Wala akong gana.”

His brows rose upward. “You should still eat though. Hanggang mamayang gabi pa ang practice.”

Hindi agad ako nakasagot dahil nakatingin pa rin ako sa kanya. My gaze was transfixed to his brows then to his eyes.

He looked tired.

“Ayos ka lang ba?” I look dumb asking that question and look dumber asking that while sitting here like I have no care about the world.

Bumagsak ang tingin niya sa box na yakap ko at muli rin namang ibinalik sa mga mata ko.

“No. Hell no,” he whispered I almost didn’t hear him. But I heard him and God I’m not okay either.

All I can think about right now is how I missed him and how complicated our life is.

But I missed him.

I missed him with all of me.

My heart started beating like crazy and my throat locked up and my eyes felt like they are going start the waterworks. Kinagat ko ang labi ko.

He saw the movement but again his eyes came back to mine.

Inilahad niya ang kamay niya sa akin. “Come here.”

It took me seconds to understand what he meant then I reached out and gave my hand to his. Inilapag ko ang yakap na box sa gilid. Dahan-dahan niya akong tinulungang makatayo then in a matter of seconds, his arms are firmly wrapped around me.

He buried his head in the crook of my neck and inhaled deeply. Pumikit ako at dinama ang init na nanggagaling sa kanya. It felt like I was exposed in so much coldness and sadness and now that he’s here with me with his arms around me, it now feels like I am basking under the heat of the morning sun. It feels so good. I feel loved and cherished.

“I fucking missed you Jane and I don’t care about you needing space or your damn secrets anymore. But I’m done waiting. I am so done waiting.”

Tumigil ako sa paghinga dahil sa narinig. He’s done with me. Oh my God he is already done with me. Nanigas ako sa kinatatayuan at pinaulit-ulit sa isip ang sinabi niya.

He’s done with me.

Tuluyan nang tumulo ang mga luha ko. They already realized what is happening but my mind and heart is slow in the uptake, na parang pinoproseso pa rin nila ang mga katagang sinabi niya.

He’s done with me.

I heard a weird sound then Geff tighten his hug. Then I realized the sound came from me.

“I am done waiting for you Jane. You have no idea what it felt like waiting and having no idea if you’ll come back to me or not. It drives me insane knowing you are hurt and that I am stupidly waiting, far from you, doing nothing,” he said. His voice is muffled because he still didn’t raise his head from my neck.

“You’re leaving me?” my voice broke at the last word at hindi ko na napigilan ang pagsinghap.

He broke the embrace and looked at me. Mabilis kong naramdaman ang lamig. Iniangat ko ang tingin sa kanya at nakitang nakakunot ang noo niya. Tila hindi makapaniwala sa sinabi ko.

“What? I told you I’m done with waiting.” He cupped my face and tilted my face upward to meet his. Our nose touched and when he speaks again, I felt his warm breathe in my face. I closed my eyes and focused on getting my heart beat slowly.

“I’ll be with you through whatever shit you’re dealing with and no, I won’t let you alone in this because I’m sure as hell it’s something serious, whatever that is. And no, you will have no say if I should fuck myself and leave instead because... fuck,” the hard set of his jaw tells me he’s looking for some kind of control over himself.

Natigil ako mula sa pag-iyak dahil sa mga sinabi niya. He... he won’t leave me?

“Sorry for the curses... but, everything is just so frustrating. You are so frustrating Jane. But God I can’t leave you alone. Not this time.” Umiling siya. “And I will break my promise. Not because I can’t keep it, but because I want to reassure myself that you’re still with me, that you still want to be with me. I need that assurance Jane. And I need it now.”

I opened my still teary eyes and it slammed in his deep and tortured ones. Napalipat-lipat ang tingin niya sa mga mata ko na para bang binabasa niya ang nasa isip ko.

“Slap me if you don’t want this.”

Without any more specific warnings, while still holding my face, he dipped his head and pressed his lips to mine. Then he started kissing me, really kissing me. Hindi iyon tulad ng una at ng pangalawa.

This is way more powerful and meaningful. Na para bang ibinibigay na niya sa akin ang lahat at ako na ang bahala kung tatanggapin ko ba iyon o hindi. But how can I not accept it if it came from him?

One of his hands slid down to my waist and pulled me closer to him while his other hand went to my left jaw and angled my face so he can kiss me deeper.

A shudder went through me as I unconsciously put my hands on his neck and raised my heels to properly fit myself to him and God the sensation... it’s new and heady.

All my questions, problems, uncertainties, issues, insecurities, all my concern about the lies surrounding us went out the window the moment I felt the tip of his tongue coaxing my lips to open.

I have never been kissed, never been to a relationship kaya naman lahat ng ito ay bago sa akin. And knowing it’s Geff I’m doing it with, it went beyond the physical. This kiss meant more than lips touching.

It means hearts being laid bare and vulnerable.

He bit my lower lip and I gasped at the sensation it brought to my stomach. Seeing that as an opportunity, he delved in and tasted every corner of my mouth that I felt owned and branded.

I am being owned and branded.

And I didn’t mind. At all.

He groaned as I kissed him back with the same fervor and pulled him closer as if I couldn’t get enough. When I felt like I’m going to faint, he pulled away and trailed kisses along the line of my jaw, to my neck, and at the sensitive skin behind my ears. I bit my lower lip to stop whatever sound I am going to make.

We’re still breathing hard as we stood there holding each other. Ang nararamdaman kong lamig kanina ay nawala na para bang sa simula pa lang ay wala na iyon. Tulad kanina ay ibinaong muli ni Geff ang ulo niya sa balikat ko at hinigpitan pa ang yakap sa akin. Basa pa ang mukha ko dahil sa mga luha at ngayong napagtanto ko iyon ay doon lamang ako tinablan ng hiya.

But then I remembered how he kissed me.

Mariin akong pumikit at inayos ang pagkakayakap sa kanya. I rested my hand on his neck while the other went to his hair and caressed it. Lalong siyang bumaon sa balikat ko. I felt him sigh.

I decided that I will solve my issues alone, or with just one person to help me out like Al. Ngunit dahil sa mga sinabi ni Geff, hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko. Nandoon ang takot sa kung ano ang magiging reaksyon niya kapag nalaman niya ang totoo. But feeling him now against me?

Hindi ko na alam.

“I can almost hear you thinking,” he murmured. He deeply sighed again before saying the words I desperately want to here and dreaded at the same time.

Because I know when I hear it, I’ll do whatever he asks of me. And that leaving him would be impossible. And that if he decided to leave me, it will leave me broken beyond repair.

And he said it and I can’t do anything but to hear it.

“I am in love with you Jane Alvarez. And I won’t let you go now whatever happens.”