I was quietly walking in an unfamiliar road. The place was quite eerie but somehow I managed not to scream. Normally, darkness scares the hell out of me, which made me wonder why it didn't now? My mind told me that I must be strong, so I did. I kept walking and walking until someone screamed my name...
“MIRACLE!”
I turned around to see
who it was but all I saw was a huge and strong light coming from a fast-moving
car...
I closed my eyes then
suddenly felt a powerful force touched my body. Then I found myself lying on
the ground, full of blood... and lifeless.
“Jay! Uyy Jay! Ano
ba! Gising!”
I started because of the
strong hands jarring me awake. I was welcomed by a perplexed and worried face
of my brother when I opened my eyes. Mabilis na lumipad ang mga kamay ko sa
dibdib ko at naramdaman ang mabibilis na tibok ng puso ko.
A nightmare, again.
“God, Jay! Huwag mo
nga akong tinatakot ng ganyan!” he’s fuming mad but worried
and fearful all at the same time. “Wait for me
here, I’ll get you your milk.” Kumuha si kuya ng face towel sa
cabinet ko at pinunasan ang mukha ko. I sit properly to better accommodate him.
“Pakalmahin mo muna ang sarili mo,” he said before
going on to his heels.
Naihilamos ko ang kamay ko sa mukha ko at nainis sa
sarili. I am so freaking frightened because of that nightmare! Hindi ko rin
mapigilan ang sarili ko mula sa pag-iyak dahil sa frustrations ko. Hindi ko
masisisi si kuya kung bakit gano’n ang inakto niya kanina. I always scream when I’m having my nightmares and that is
the worst part of me having them every night.
Isinandal ko ang ulo ko sa
tuhod ko at huminga ng malalalim. I need to calm myself down, tulad ng sinabi
sa akin ni kuya.
After a couple of minutes, I heard the opening of my
bedroom’s door. “Jay, eto na yung—” he stopped
when he saw my tear stricken face when I lifted my head up to look at him.
“Jay, come here,” he said.
Anxiety is etched all over his features.
I obliged willingly because I
know that what I needed mostly now was someone who can comfort me.
“Bilis!”
Inilapag ni kuya ang milk sa
bedside table at humalukipkip. Sumimangot ako nang inutusan niya ako. Bakit nga
ba itong kuya ko ay minsan tinatamaan ng kasungitan sa katawan?
Nang malapit na ako sa kanya,
mabilis niya akong kinabig palapit sa kanya dahilan para sumubsob ang mukha ko
sa dibdib niya. He’s taller than me, alright!
“Nakakainis ka!” sigaw
ko sa kanya sabay hampas ko sa dibdib niya. Madalas talaga niyang gawin sa akin
ito at pinangangalandakan sa akin kung gaano siya katangkad at gaano kaganda
ang hulma ng katawan niya dahil sa abs and whatever muscles he have in his
chest.
“Hayaan mo na. Gwapo
naman ‘tong kuya mo kaya maswerte ka na,” he said
flippantly.
I rolled my eyes at him in return. “Anong konek?”
“Ang dami mo pang
sinasabi! You should be thankful that this good-looking guy is your brother at
ang daming nagkakandarapa mayakap ko lang. And I’m hugging you right now not
just because you’re my sister and you need my comfort but because I love you.”
My heart suddenly warmed but I continue to go along
with his fantasies in life. “Okay na sana
‘yung sinabi mo pero sobrang lakas na ng hangin dito sa kwarto ko ha? Grabe
lang.”
I'm blessed because I have
him as my brother. Sinabi ko kay kuya na okay na ako. Anong sinabi niya?
“Ouch... grabe! Ganyan
mo ba ituring ang kuya mo? Halos kapapasok ko pa lang dito, pinapalayas mo na
agad?”
“Hoy kuya! Nakikita mo bang alas dos pa lang ng
umaga? Ano? Gusto mo party party pa tayo dito?”
Pagkatapos ng paulit-ulit na “okay na ako” bumalik na rin siya sa
kwarto niya.
Medyo gumaan na ang
pakiramdam ko dahil sa yakap ng kuya ko ngunit alam kong mahihirapan pa rin
akong makatulog. I lifted my glass from the sidetable and walked towards my
study table. Kinuha ko iyong diary kuno ko at sinimulan iyong buklatin. I’m not
really into diaries pero simula ng magkaroon ako ng paulit-ulit na nightmares
ay nakagawian ko nang magsulat sa notebook na ‘to. Dito ko inilalagay lahat ng mga
bagay tungkol sa mga panaginip ko. It seems like those dreams and nightmares
had been already became a part of me.
Habang binubuklat ko iyon,
nahahagip ng mga mata ko 'yung ilang details ng past writings ko.
‘Unfamiliar situation... unfamiliar
atmosphere... unfamiliar voice...
unfamiliar boy.’
unfamiliar boy.’
I contemplated about all of
these countless times but I never came up with an answer. Hindi ko maintindihan
kung bakit paulit-ulit na lang iyong napapanaginipan ko and when I’m already
awake, I’m fully aware how affected I am because of it.
“Who are you,
really?” I asked no one in
particular. As if saying it aloud will make me see answers.
That was not the only big
question I came up with though. I have another...which is...
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